where do i stand...???

There has been a part in my life still untouched... Still un heard and still so vulnerable... Holding to that i've always been a manipulative one, concerning my own self... Y am i still in the place where i stand...??? Whats in it for me...??? Is it serene...??? or some internal happiness...??? Or its nothing but just an illusion... this calls me to be in a real shitting position... I know i hate myself and i know i m a real bad decision maker... I m just being carried away by ppl around me.